Page Summary
- There is no justification for pushing someone away because they experience a feeling.
- When talking to someone who has not been living in accord with love, the most immediate priority is to accompany the person lovingly.
- We can share the fullness of the truth with them, but only after we take their stories seriously and console them genuinely.
How can we respond when we know someone is not living in accord with love?
We can receive loved ones patiently; ask them to share their stories; respond with charity; and, in time, share God’s plan for their lives and help them to live it.
Ok, but what does that actually mean?
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Kyle and Jason had been friends since preschool, but lately Jason kept his distance. He had never felt ready to tell Kyle that he experienced same-sex attractions, and he kept it a secret when he started spending time with a guy at school who identified as gay. It felt really nice to be wanted in that way, until the guy told Jason to stay away from him, and made him feel foolish for thinking they were “boyfriends”.
Jason was devastated, and all he wanted to do was tell Kyle. But Kyle went to Mass every day, he was a holy guy and even talked about going to seminary next year. How could Jason possibly tell him how hurt and embarrassed he was? Surely Kyle would be ashamed of him and say it was all his fault for getting himself into such a situation.
It wasn’t easy to keep things from Kyle, and when he asked what was wrong, Jason blurted it out all at once, and braced for a harsh response. Instead, Kyle looked at him like he always did, smiled, and said, “you must really be hurting, man.” Kyle gave him a hug, sat with him quietly as he cried for a while, and then said, “let’s talk about it.”
Perhaps you’re as surprised as Jason was that Kyle responded in this way. As we’ve seen, pursuing a sexually intimate relationship with someone of the same sex is not part of God’s plan for any of us. So it probably seems like Kyle would be condoning Jason’s decisions by not reminding him of this important teaching. The reason Jason is hurting is because he was in a relationship he shouldn’t have been in anyway. Isn’t Kyle sending the wrong message by consoling him?
Kyle knew Christ’s teaching on sexuality; Jason might have had some familiarity with it, too. But there’s more to that teaching than just the reality that same-sex sexual intimacy is wrong. There is an important distinction between choosing an action and feeling an attraction. There is no reason or justification for condemning someone or pushing him away because he is experiencing a feeling, desire, or temptation. And there is more to the person standing in front of us than just a decision that he has made.
In this moment, Kyle saw Jason, not as a problem to be solved, or a sinner to be admonished, but as a person who was scared and hurting, who needed his best friend to love him and receive what he was saying. They would have time to talk about what God has revealed about human sexuality later. It’s not a matter of either-or, but of priority. It is possible—indeed it is necessary—to be both understanding and truthful, to speak with clarity and with charity. But in the moment when we receive a loved one, gentleness and welcome come first, and pave the way for honest conversation about right and wrong.
Like Jesus on the Road to Emmaus, we never have to be afraid to meet loved ones where they are, and invite them to share their story—even when that story is painful or messy, or when they are not heading in the direction we would want for them. In love, we can take their story seriously, console them in the midst of the messiness, and then, patiently, share the rest of the story with them. The Good News that we have to share is that God seeks us out, keeps his promises, and will always help us when we call on him. It doesn’t require us to immediately hand someone a Bible or a Catechism.
Accompaniment means being able to receive a loved one and convey three things: “I love you. I believe God has a plan for your life. And I’d like to hear your story.”
We must always consider the person. Here we enter into the mystery of the human being. In life, God accompanies persons, and we must accompany them, starting from their situation. We must accompany them with mercy.
Pope Francis, interview from August 19, 2013